Progressive Baseball

Mark Cuban and the Cubs

Mark Cuban and the Cubs

Welcome to 2026 World Series of Progressive Baseball. It’s been a wild ride this year, so let’s recap what has happened in the baseball world since the election of Joe Biden and the majority takeover of the House and Senate by the Anti-Capitalist Reform America Party (A-CRAP), formerly known as the Democratic Party.

In 2021, after President Joe Biden was removed from office due to complete dementia, President Harris began the implementation of economic and political fairness legislation for all private enterprises, transforming capitalist America into a place where everyone receives a fair and equitable salary, regardless of their skill, ability, or willingness to work, as well as free health care, a free college education, free food banks, and a free home with utilities that will never be turned off due to non-payment. These socio-economic changes soon transformed the world of sports as well. After five years, we have the following milestones to celebrate the reform of baseball.

Wrigley Field Burning

Wrigley Field Attack

Caps on ticket prices and the new 90% tax rate on the unearned income of billionaire owners resulted in the sale of most baseball franchises to the local municipalities for pennies on the dollar. As a result, most teams are now managed by elected officials! The only remaining private owner is Mark Cuban, who bought the Chicago Cubs after Wrigley Field was burned to the ground by protesters demanding equal representation for LGBTQ players after the team alleged that they could not find any such players of sufficient caliber and willing to play for the $200,000 salary cap.

Dominican Republic Baseball

Dominican Republic players celebrate after winning the World Baseball Classic.

Dominican, Cuban, and most hispanic players fled the US after foreign owners created the Dominican League and unfairly paid players a 50% premium over the equitable US salary cap. The Dominican League has even attracted talented US expatriates and has won each of the last three world series’ in 4 games, resulting in the Federal Government filing a dispute with the World Trade Organization to force the world to adopt the US salary cap to ensure fair worldwide sports competition. Chicago’s mayor vows to buy the Cubs from Mark Cuban as soon as the city can rebuild its business base and can generate sufficient tax revenue. In the meantime, the Cubs have been playing games at the abandoned University of Illinois baseball field.

Healthy Ballpark Food

Healthy Ballpark Food

Caps on salaries have helped to reduce ticket prices for fans and excessive prices for food at field concessions were lowered in an effort to make games more accessible. Although stadium maintenance has suffered, the smaller number of serviceable seats, combined with permanent social distancing guidelines, has resulted in 50% less capacity and therefore a much safer and healthier environment. Since high-sugar drinks and high-fat foods were banned from the stadium to promote healthy living, people have turned to bringing their own, presumably healthy, snacks to games, further reducing the cost of a day at the park.

On the player front, performance-enhancing drugs have been approved when prescribed by a medical doctor who has certified that the player suffers from inherent physical disadvantages or by a psychiatrist who has certified that the player suffers from the perception of physical inferiority or has been bullied due to his/her/their body image or gender preference.

Players originally sued the league over the imposition of salary caps, which they claimed was a case of anti-competitive collusion and price fixing–an antitrust violation, but the suit failed. They then sued for overtime pay (time and a half) for games that went into extra innings, which hinged on the argument that they should be treated as well as other day laborers. This lawsuit was successful in increasing overall player compensation, but unexpectedly resulted in more tie games and a consequent increase in the length of the average game. Since baseball has always suffered from the problem of long games, this had to finally be addressed.

Games now come to an end after 9 innings even if it results in a tie. This shortens the average length of games and also helps to eliminate the risks of injury during a long game. To further reduce game time, pitchers are now limited to a maximum of 6 pitches per batter, with a foul ball after two strikes counting as a strikeout. This was also necessary to compensate for the unexpected and dramatic increase in batting averages and home runs following the retirement of many leading pitchers or recruitment by foreign teams and consequent drop in average pitch velocity.

When the pitch limits failed to sufficiently reduce batting averages, the US League implemented a batting average cap to reduce performance inequities. Players who exceed a 300 batting average receive a graduated (progressive) “hitting tax.” For players with a 300+ average, the tax is 50%, resulting in a home run being taxed down from 4 to 2 bases (a double). A triple would then be taxed down 1.5 bases, which means the first triple becomes a single and the second triple becomes a double. A double becomes a single and a single becomes an out. For players with a 400+ average, the tax is 75%, with similar effects.

On the other end of the batting average, to further reduce performance inequities, players with a batting average lower than 100 receive a 1-base credit. This means that a strikeout becomes a walk, a walk becomes a single with an extra base, a single becomes a double, and so forth. The result has been a game that places more emphasis on equity than the celebration of winners, which is why MVP awards are now given to the players who best exhibit the most positive attitude, and the national values of inclusion and participation.

Dr. Fauci's First Pitch

Dr. Fauci Throwing the First Pitch

Now that the National Football League has been disbanded after an executive order declared physical contact to be a felony, baseball is back to being the national past time! Welcome to the World Series and get ready to play ball!

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