Her Holiness

God is a Woman

Is God a woman? I realize this is a meaningless question. How can an all-powerful, all-knowing being of energy have a gender? But I’ve heard it discussed enough to know that people want to know the answer anyway, so let’s give it a go. Think of this like you would small talk at a party–meaningless but pretty much unavoidable.

Obviously, we can’t look at physical features to give us the answer, so we have to compare his or her actions with those of human characteristics that we would characterize as either masculine or feminine. What other measure is there? Sure, the ability to give birth to creatures (not to mention the entire universe) is a strong feminine indicator, but what else? Please forgive any blatant male/female stereotypes used in this analysis–it’s all I have to go on.

Death Penalty for Adultery

Perhaps most indicative is the tendency to change her mind. Should adultery be punished by death? According to the Laws of Moses In the Old Testament, it was a definite yes. In the New Testament, Jesus emphasized compassion and forgiveness. But then Mohammed in the Koran goes right back to death. So, what is the real deal? Even if one or more of these religions are wrong and she was misquoted, she certainly has done nothing to clarify the rules.

God’s Warning

Now that I’m a parent, I understand that we don’t always want our kids to know what will happen if they break the rules. We would rather deter them by implying serious consequences, but don’t necessarily want to have to follow through in the event of a breach. So, being too specific can force you to do something you don’t want to do or make you look like a pushover for not following through, thus reducing the chance that you will be able to deter future bad behavior. So, is god fickle when it comes to punishment or just trying to confuse us like a parent who isn’t as strict as she wants us to believe? If she is deliberately changing the rules just to keep us uncertain, that is pretty bad parenting. After all, we’ve been killing each other over such unclear rules for centuries, which completely undermines the concept of deterrence. No, I don’t think it could be on purpose. I think god must really be fickle.

Meteor Strike

Let’s look at god’s demand that we worship her. I think that says it all. Yes, there are guys who think they deserve to be worshiped, but it isn’t exactly the norm. Men prefer to be admired for their accomplishments and their ability to compete and win. Or at least for their ability to knock you senseless. If god were a man, he would probably be more inclined to intervene in human events just to show off. I know that some of you think he already does so every time he throws a hurricane, tornado, or tsunami around, but I don’t think that is how a guy would do it. If god wanted to show mankind that he is “the man,” it would be a bit more dramatic. A meteor taking out “sin city” would be good. Or maybe O.J. Simpson and his attorney bursting spontaneously into flames in front of the cameras just after acquittal. That would definitely make everyone stop and think.

Six Day War Celebration

If the Jews really are the chosen people and god were a man, I think he would also act a little more like a sports fan. When the Israelis kicked butt in the Six Day War, did anyone feel the ground shake or the winds howl? Were the clouds painted red, green, and purple? Did the victorious soldiers get laid like rock stars? After the first big victory in two thousand years, I would expect a bit of celebration, unless they aren’t the chosen people anymore. But would a guy ever really give up on his home team after such a big comeback? I don’t think so. No, I think god just isn’t much of a sports fan or maybe he has switched to a new team (see the part on fickleness, above).

Worship Your Woman

Women, on the other hand, love to be worshiped. The reason doesn’t necessarily matter. In fact, if you give her a reason, she will probably question you in detail about why you love her, which might lead to doubts about your actual devotion and motivation. “So, are you saying you only love me because I look good in a bikini?” Be too specific and you might just end up in the doghouse. It’s better to just worship her without reason or complaint, which also seems to be what god really wants. It’s rule number one in the Ten Commandments for a reason. It doesn’t matter how much of a jerk you are most of the time, as long as you worship her, you’ll probably be OK.

Would a female god encourage Muslim men to worship their women at the same time they force them to cover their bodies from head to toe and stay at home to keep them safe from all the other sex-crazed men? Are men just expected to completely lose all self control when they see an attractive woman? I think most women would say yes. Men are weak and just can’t help themselves. She knows this and has made appropriate rules.

Sexy Burkas

Does god really believe that hiding female sexuality even works to help keep them safe? When it comes to sex, men have pretty good imaginations and aren’t always too discriminating about what is under the curtain. So, it might not help much, but it could at least shift some of the drooling and harassment away from the hot babes to the less attractive ones. A male god would certainly have dispensed with the monthly hormone surges and either increased the female sex drive to match those of men or increased the proportion of women to men to promote polygamy.

As far as I’m concerned, god is acting a lot like a woman. Of course, what does that really mean anyway? Will she be especially pissed off at men in particular considering the way they have treated women throughout most of history? Would a female god favor women over men? Considering how women don’t always treat other women very well, I’m not so sure. Mothers are also probably more prone to having a favorite son than a favorite daughter. Jesus really could do no wrong, I guess, even when he disregarded her previous laws. So maybe that’s why men have been able to get away with so much mischief.

Will there really be a harem of 72 virgins waiting in heaven for every Muslim man or is that just a cruel joke? Men might just end up doing all the heavenly housework. Somebody’s got to keep the place looking good. Considering that men have to leave their second brains behind when they die, will they even have any more interest in virgins? Tell me it isn’t so, mother! Pretty please?

Welcome to Heaven